Do you know that feeling when....

......you can't sleep at night because your mind has turned into a highway for all your stray thoughts?

......you need to make a phone call, and suddenly your phone transforms into one of the most terrifying objects you own?

......you open your eyes and find yourself in darkness-land?

......you just can't focus, just can't sit still, yet seem to be incapable to do anythig worthwhile?

......you know what you need to do but still keep procrastinating for no obvious reason?

......you try your hand at something and (against all odds) succeed?

......you finished all your chores and just can be?

......you have an abundance of free-time but suddenly find you have nothing to do?

......you only need to look at someone and they get it?

......you run your fingers through someone's hair and they nestle up against your neck?

......you come home and your cats are sitting there, waiting for you?

A Bunch of Lies

I am (unsurprisingly) totally unmotivated. Again!
This time it is not only the fact that I am (still) sitting by the computer with an arduous translation task mockingly grinning back at me. No. It's more than that.

I feel like what is written all over the pages are blatant lies, or at the very least extremely liberate reformulations of the truth. Not only do I lack the motivation to translate, my mind is practically screaming at me not to feed the world these lies...

It's this dilemma that currently has my insides twisted into a disgusting knot of anxiety and general discomfort. I just want to scream, throw my mouse into a wall, and storm out into the fresh air!

How to Reinvigorate a Tired Head?

You sit in an uncomfortable chair, at a too high desk, for hours and hours at an end, staring bleary-eyed at a dimly illuminated computer screen. Sounds familiar?
This, currently, is my every day (and probably many others', too), and let me tell you, I am not cut out for office work. If anything this experience has thought me that.

Staring at a computer screen all day long, while trying my best to translate complicated text from Japanese into English has caused my brain to overload. It's mush, I tell you. Furthermore, this in combination with the lack of fresh air and natural light seems to have crushed my spirit. It's been pounded to dust, just like pepper corns in a mortar.

It's funny how I can game for endless hours at a time, or write stories all night, without experiencing the same symptoms I do when I work. Then again, gaming and writing is something I do for entertainment, work, on the other hand, is not. I really think I'm one of those persons who work best in short burst, especially when a computer is involved (as I don't find physical work to be as grating). My efficiency today, while not a solid 0, is not much higher either (the same trend as previous days).

So how do I reinvigorate my poor dead head? Well, I secretly blog during working hours, off course. Well, if I had a proper job and proper pay I might be slightly less rebellious, perhaps even orderly, but as this is not the case I have no hard feelings for my behaviour. There is also no love lost between me and my boss, and I suppose this fuels my anarchistic streak.

I still work, just not as efficiently (10 hour + workdays tend to cause such problems).

It's amazing, though, what a simple few minutes of recreational writing can do to your mood. Mine, at the very least. It's the nectar my brain has been craving all day. I also write secret stories, and draw secret self-portraits. Oh, and secretly play some utterly senseless mobile games. Also, any excuse to go outdoors (man, fresh air is underappreciated!), or to the kitchen, is valid. I think I've never been this happy to have dinner-duty....

Only a few more hours till it no longer will be unacceptable if I start making dinner prep, so maybe some secret youtubeing (mixed in with some proper work, of course) and I can head into the kitchen. Thai chicken and bean chocolate-chip biccies on the menu today :)

secret self-portrait 1.2

secret self-portrait 2.2

Lose Yourself

At times I really feel like I'm losing it. As if I'm just steps from going crazy.
Right now is such a period.
I know why, I just can't do anything about it. Not yet.
I will, but for now I just have to wait it out.

I feel so restricted. Stripped of the freedom I used to have.
I can't act out, I can't be myself....and it's all very tiring.
Normally I would turn to my standard form of escapism, gaming,
But... have access to 0 gaming consoles :(
Writing is also a good way to escape reality.
But, quite frankly, lately I'm just too tired and pressed for time to make time for writing every day,
And it sucks. It really does.

Lately I've drowned myself in music instead.
Plug in my earphones, sit on the windowsill, close my eyes and loose myself to my inner world.
It works surprisingly well.
I'll even admit to dancing around the house if (and only IF) no one else is around,
Like tonight, while brushing my teeth, I listened to Can't Hold Us as sung by Pentatonix, and I couldn't help shaking my body a little. It made me so upbeat. They're talented people, so if you have not, you should really give them a listen.

One day I was feeling totally down, like I had walked straight into a wall.
When surrounded by the people I am (one person more like it) this is bound to happen once in a while...Anyways, I knew I was feeling awful, but I felt unable to confront it. I wanted nothing to do with it, and so it all just grew into this great bundle of pent up anger and frustration that kept me from sleeping.
That's when I happened to come across "Phantasm" by Jesper Kyd. I don't know why, but it cut through all my defences. It was pure, raw, and forced its way in without me having a say in the matter. It stripped me bare until I couldn't hide from my emotions, and I had to no choice but to acknowledge and deal with them. Unsurprisingly I felt better afterwards. If you haven't, do go listen to it. It is a beautiful experience definitely worth 3 and a half minutes of your time.

Music is awesome.
When I have none, it gives me strength.
When I feel unable, it helps me confront my feelings.
When I have to put on an act all day, it gives me a world where I can be free at night.
If I'm going to lose myself, I'll lose myself to music.

Me ja Yö

Kuuletko yön puhuvan?
Se kuiskaa meille vain.
Henkäys vasteen korvaani,
kun maataan rinnakkain.

Yö kertoo pimeydestä,
varjoista päällä maan,
ja käsi kädes hiljaa
sen kaiken kanssas jaan.

Mun sielu tähtitaivas,
sun silmät avaruus,
surut, ilot: aurinko,
sä hehkuva totuus.

Yö ikuinen on kylmä,
sä lämmin elävä.
Luot mielihyvää, rauhaa.
Oot ain sä riittävä.


Vähän vaihtelua kirjoitustyyliini!
Mahtava muusani auttoi taikoa tunteet, jotka muuten ovat minutsa hankala käsitellä, sanoiksi.
Tuokoot tulevaisuus mitä tahtoo, ainakin minulla on aina tämä hetki.

I Now Get Why People in Horror Movies Fall When Chased

Who isn't familiar with the cliché of the poor victims of horror movies falling flat on the ground, for no obvious reason, during chase scenes? Up until recently this seemed like a totally absurd thing, even to me. However, in light of recent events, I have realised that I am, sadly, no better at running than these characters...

It so happened that I was walking back home a rather gloomy night. I am currently living on the Japanese countryside, and I had been visiting some friends who live about a 5 to 10 minute walk from the place I am staying at. I often go to their house, and during the last few weeks on my way home I have had the misfortune to cross paths with a rather big-sized wild boar, and while it's never actually charged straight at me it has been slightly aggressive in its behaviour. Because of this my nerves were already in a jumble, and just to be on the safe side I had decided to take a slightly longer route back home, simply in order to avoid this beast.  

Of course it didn't work out quite like I had planned, because this wild boar had apparently made tormenting me its goal in life. 

As I am rather confidently walking on by, still on high alert because of previous evenings but calmer now that I had found an alternative way home, there's sudden rustling in the bushes. My heart starts to beat like crazy and for a fraction of a second I freeze; my ears attuned to catch even the slightest indication of movement in my direction. And of course it's moving towards me, and fast. And of course it has to be the wild boar, poking its ugly head out of the tall grass...

I just set off running like mad. I was totally overtaken by my instincts, and my brain was screaming loud and clear: you have to flee!!! The problem was that my legs couldn't quite keep up with the speed I was trying to make them function at. Now here my memory gets slightly fuzzy, and I can't really remember in which order these events happened, but the following took place. 

- I realised the boar was still after me.

- There was a sudden shift in the terrain, a dip in the road I think. 

- All strength from my legs evaporated, and they became useless pieces of meat that could not keep up with the momentum of my upper body, causing me to lose balance and topple over. I was running with my phone in one hand, so I couldn’t even soften my fall properly (because protecting my phone was way, way more important than any bodily harm that could be inflicted upon my person when falling on hard asphalt while running at high speed... Never realised how scarily attached I am to that piece of junk...). But, really, it was like a mini-paralysis had taken place in my legs, and they just couldn't do as I commanded. 

- I saw the wild boars eyes shimmer in the dark.

- I quickly scrambled up and continued running. 

I have seriously probably never been that frightened in whole my life. Not even when facing what has probably been more dangerous situations in my previous line of work. As a security guard I still felt like I had more control, and I was dealing with humans. Here it was a wild animal, and I was alone and defenceless. Excellent factors for breeding fear. 

But yeah, I kind of understand how you can fall even though there is no apparent reason for falling. Fear can do that to you. So, on that point, I can relate to horror movie victims. Yet, quickly getting up again to pursue the vital task of fleeing took place in the blink of an eye. Yes, I almost had to force my legs into action with sheer willpower during the first few steps (not because of the pain but because they still felt kind of paralysed), but my need and want for survival took care of that I somehow still got away, and fast. 

All in all, what I want to say is that it's not totally unlikely that a horror movie victims falls during a chase. However, I do think it's an overused cliché, and if/when you fall it does not take years to get of the ground nor is it very likely that you'll topple over again only minutes later. I think the adrenaline more than well takes care of that. Personally I couldn't sleep for hours. 

Thinking of the incident now I have come to the conclusion that I was probably never in any actual life threatening danger. A more likely scenario is that both I and the wild boar were simply unlucky enough to flee in the same direction, but that fear...it really clouded my judgement. It's frightening to think of.

This certain brand of fear will definitely be etched into my mind for years to come, of that I am sure. 

Choke

Choke, choke, choke!

Choke it!

Choke you hate.

Smother all feelings.

Make yourself blank; unyielding to that which rages inside you.

Imperfection! All emotion is imperfection. Simple faults in our system.

Do not SHOW them. Never SPEAK of them.

And, better yet, FEEL them not.

These are signs that the machine has broken and requires correction, reparation.  

You are broken.

So, quiet yourself.

Your mind – your thoughts – exists only to be extinguished. Remember that. This is important.

Sedate them. Bind them up. Cage them, and drown the key in nothingness.

Swallow your tongue. Bite it off with razor teeth, and choke on the blood and bile.

Do all in your power.

It’s all right! This is how it should be. How you should be.

An ever smiling perfection (to a fault).

Model student.

Let them sew your mouth shut, and lie forever. Always.

Be grateful. They are, after all, doing you a favour.

Respect it. Love it. Adore it. SERVE it.

Euthanize your mind, your thoughts, yourself.

Do all this and you shall obtain happiness.
Smile as they strip away your integrity. Laugh as they peel it away like tender skin from your flesh.

You are not your own. You are theirs.

Never forget: smile and swallow.

Smile.

And.

Swallow.

I need to express my anger somehow, and since I cannot do it verbally or physically due to circumstances, then writing it is. This is a piece of my mind; a description, of sorts, of how I feel. How I am not allowed to be who I am, and the constant need to correct myself after someone else's ideals. I feel extremely unjustly treated, but for the moment all I can do is to hang in there. I am sure this experience will make me a stronger, better person some day. I am grateful for the perspective it has given me. But some days, some days just straight up suck!