So Much Frustration

It feels like ages since I wrote here last time.

Why?

Well, it's been ages. 

I don't even want to look at my last blog post in order to check the date. 

That's how long it's been. 

My New Year's resolution will be to write more, I think. 

Since we're already discussing the topic of writing, let me continue elaborating on that. My current frustration is rooted in writing, you see, or rather in my incapability of doing so.

I'm just bubbling and bustling with inspiration, and it wants out! However, I have a distinct lack of ideas, or, so I tell myself. But, that is a lie! I have plenty of ideas, but these are not what I feel like writing at the moment, and I'm the kind of person who needs to feel in order to write. 

I have this great idea, but it's just beyond my reach. I can almost taste it, sense it vaguely, and I've already made three attempts on capturing it. But no, it just keeps slipping through my fingers. Escaping my mind every time I make an approach. Thus, the inspiration has been unable to work itself out of my system and has slowly turned into frustration. And let me tell you, frustration-turned-inspiration is horrible. 

My first attempt depicted a person with a burnt face standing in the soothing rain. The raindrops tasted of salt and iron. 

My second attempt told about a slave whose collar grew tighter and tighter (if this was figuratively or literally I'm not sure). The slave was suffering, wondering in desperation how this had happened to them - they had always been a very cherished slave - all while their master towered above them, laughing maliciously at the slave's naïvety.

My third attempt turned out describing fingers playing with snow that was warm (or alternatively the one playing with the snow was immune to the cold). 

But that's all that came out of my rather lengthy (attempted) writing session. 

I know the most important thing about writing isn't producing solid text all the time, but all the unspent inspiration inside me has coiled into a big, gnawing lump that I cannot get rid of. And it is extremely frustrating. I cannot sleep, I cannot think clearly, I cannot concentrate on anything else because of that untouched creativity deposit. 

Sigh.

At least one good thing came out of this. If anything this has made me more determined than ever to keep on writing, and I'll try to improve as a blogger as well. However, I wonder if I need a theme, something that would be the main focus of my blog. Perhaps this would make it easier to keep writing regularly. The only problem is, I have no idea what kind of theme to pick... So, please, all and any suggestions are very welcome and will be considered as possible themes for this blog from here on now. 

black - grey - white

evil - neutral - good

the basic elements of most books and films

who do you side with?

i have no idea why, but i have a tendency of liking the wrong side - the evil one that is

i simply find evil characters more intriguing, even appealing

no, not in real life, but in literature particularly

i don't know why, but it always turns out like that

even in cases where i don't know that a certain character will later turn out to be evil

evil is forbidden, thus it's interesting

at least that is how i justify my hunger for evil characters

they can stretch the rules of morality to their liking

they lack (or posses?) something that normal characters do not

face it

without the antagonists books and films would, in many cases, be plain boring

there is however one big flaw in siding with the "wrong" guys

it's wrong - so they will never (or extremely rarely) win

they'll be eliminated

erased

such greatness to waste

perhaps, in a way, that is the charm of the wicked characters

and yet, occasionally, i do find myself longing for a change

a story - not horror - where the antagonist comes out at the top

because after years of seeing my favourite characters getting eliminated i'm starting to find it tiresome

the norm doesn't need to be changed

but i want just a slight diversion from the norm

just once in a while

....

my advise to you all:

do not fall for the "evil ones" if you aren't prepared to deal with a lot of sorrow and disappointment

ok, i might be exaggerating just a tiny bit

we're talking about fictional works after all

who dies and lives is just fiction

but still

as a change i'd love to read something where my favourite character doesn't die

luckily, from time to time, i favour characters other than the malicious ones 

ironically though

when the character i prefer is not a sinister one

in 9 cases out of 10

that person will end up dying anyway

i'm not even joking

i think someone is secretly trying to make fun of me

well, at least now

after 20+ years on earth

i am always prepared for the death of my favourite character

no matter the genre and no matter the character's disposition

i wonder...

is this punishment for finding the dark side in fictional works attractive?

good couldn't exist without it's counterpart anyway

so then, why is liking evil such a taboo?

i wonder, i really do...

Time, Art Thou My Friend or Foe?

My last post, to my horror, was in October last year... and it feels like yesterday!!
What have I accomplished since, you may ask, and I will answer.
Now that we are living several months into the future you'd think I surely must have done something, but no. Nothing. Nothing even remotely significant at least, which in a way is quite depressive.

Time flies. It really does, and I don't like it one bit.

When is my 5 minutes of fame ever going to come??
Well, at the pace I'm living my life at the moment, the answer is most likely never. Again, very depressive. Then again, this is probably true for most people, me included.
But hey, it doesn't stop me dreaming of possibilities far beyond my reach. It's living with those delusions in mind I survive my boringly routine day-to-day life - especially now, after the school start.

Time, my dear friend, why can't you slow down just for my sake? Just freeze for a month or two, or perhaps four. If you did I'd be forever grateful (or at least for a while), I promise!

How I wouldn't like to finish all the games I'm currently playing, not to mention all the books I'm reading. I'm not even sure how many I am in the middle of reading at the moment... probably too many though. I'd also want to practice drawing, so I could get better and be able to draw awesome pictures. And, I also need more time to finish writing down the millions and millions of story-ideas that pop up in my head at a relatively regular pace, not to mention my older stories that are still in need of some touching up... If I only had more time I'd also spend hours playing and cuddling with my cats, even more than I do now, I could dedicate a whole day to them. Not to forget, I'd practice kendo everyday too, so that I could improve my development. I would even finish all of my school work!! All this, if I only had more time...

But, I don't.... And for the coming 6 months, I wont have this sort of leisure at my hands either...
My schedule looks something like: work, school, school work, sleep, eat, cleaning, evening-school, books, research, work practice, school, cats, thesis, cooking, hobby, raging at computer, writing reports etc, etc. Not much time for any extra fun in other words... Sometimes I wonder if my nerves will manage to deal with all the stress this coming half a year will cause me, but I suppose only time will tell...

Something tells me though, that my so-called dear friend time will turn a deaf ear to my wishes of freezing time for a while, even though I so badly would need a breather, even if just a short one... (note that I'm saying this already on the first day of school...)

Seriously, how do people have time to do everything they want, and still manage to do everything they have to? If anyone has a solution please share it with me, because I want to know... I need to know!!

(a nagging voice in the back of my head tells me it is impossible to reach such a heavenly state of being, where you'd actually have time to do everything and anything, but I'm going to keep ignoring it as long as I live... After all, ignorance is bliss, sometimes)

Until next time, whenever that may be!